Two More Miles

Submitting to him by making more time for him and giving myself more margin has been liberating. We have more time to enjoy ourselves doing whatever we need or want to do. We’re able to respond better to his family’s needs, which gives us more peace. We’re able to move forward with big plans like moving into a house or learning a new hobby together, which keeps life exciting. (Although I flipped when he suggested starting the Whole 30 diet as a “team building” exercise last week. That diet is no joke, and I will not submit to no cheese or coffee creamer.) I have slowly learned that what is good does not always align with the priorities God wants for my life.

Submission means reacting more slowly to his ideas and putting his desires above mine some of the time. He recently pointed out that I get his jokes better and tolerate them, when a year ago I would flat out tell him he was not funny. He says I am more patient with him when it comes to completing household chores, whereas last year I would start yelling if he didn’t do something right away. It’s hard to continually bear with someone, and some days I still want to yell at him for continuing to play his video games instead of cleaning up the dishes right after dinner, but I am glad we have created an overall tone in our marriage that messing up, forgiving, and moving on is necessary.

Submission means coming to an agreement about financial plans and goals. It took Husband and I eight months to hash out a household budget we could both live with because we have very different views on financial responsibility. He spent his money on meals out, beer, and movies; I spent mine on groceries, clothes, and travel. He was counting on the future sale of his business for his retirement fund; I’ve had an IRA to which I’ve contributed monthly since I was 24. While we both agreed on basic financial values — prepare for the future, put basic needs first, stay out of debt — agreeing how to save and spend our money on a monthly or even daily basis was a huge clash of beliefs. It became a power struggle as well because we each contribute roughly the same amount of money to the household, so why couldn’t we spend (or save) our own money as we pleased, as long as we preserved the roof over our head and kept the lights on? Slowly, in steps going forward and backward, we realized that working together on finances and moving forward with one united plan, rather than two roommate-like plans, would yield a better life. We have each submitted to certain requests and ideas regarding money the other has made, and life moves so much smoother now.

We still disagree on some financial items. I believe in being generous with my time and money, and would like our household to tithe, but husband’s father, who was a CPA and observed the financial dishonesty of a few church clients, taught my husband not to trust churches when it comes to finances. (That makes me sad – there are usually a few bad apples in every bushel, but I believe most churches are good financial stewards.) So we don’t tithe, but we do give to our church, as well as to a couple charities whose missions we believe in and support individually and as a couple. We submit mutually in this area.

Submission means keeping my mouth shut about sore topics. As much as he agrees that others in his family are failing his mother and her home care, and knows that the rest of his family has their quirks, he doesn’t like it when I bad-mouth them. My loyalty is to him, but they’re still his family. So I toe a fine line between supporting him, and agreeing with him that certain family members are pieces of work.

Submission means honoring my spouse’s past, even if I don’t understand it. He serves in the Army reserves, and has served in Iraq. He has seen and experienced unimaginable things that he doesn’t want to talk about. I may never understand some of his fears and values that tour shaped. But I respect his experience and the ways he continually makes new sense of it. He developed certain habits growing up. Some are great: Both he and his father are/were Eagle Scouts, and if we have a son, Husband would like that tradition to continue. Some are weird: He loves to have extras of everything on hand. I submit to his need for material items (see above, re: personal spending stipend) but ask him to be mindful of my need for a clutter-free home.

Submission means bearing with one another and forgiving one another. It’s not in our nature to continually bear with and forgive someone who keeps messing up. It is in my nature to walk away from someone who only causes me stress and loss. But marriage requires this continual cycle of understanding, forgiveness, and starting over that makes you a stronger person. I kind of wish Paul had added to his instructions, “Be resilient! You’re not giving in to others when they disappoint you by forgiving them so much as you are becoming more resilient!” We might be more apt to truly live out those instructions when people rake you over the coals when the personal benefit is obvious, than we might considering how they are currently stated, which is essentially, “Be nice.”

But the more we think about that individual-centric approach to Paul’s instructions, the more we realize his words read exactly as they should. They’re instructions about how to conduct yourself for the glory of God. If you say, “I’m working hard to make myself better,” that’s nice, but forgettable. But if you say, “I’m working hard, and submitting to you, for the glory of God,” that’s going to make someone pause and at least ask why. Paul’s words keep our focus on God.

Colossians 3 begins with God: “Since, then, you have been raised with Christ,” and ends with God: “It is the Lord Christ you are serving, … And there is no favoritism.” These words that so solidly state our reason for being cannot be diced to put us in the spotlight. Our purpose begins and ends with serving God by serving others. She Reads Truth recently published a devotion about the hymn “How Great Thou Art.” The author says the hymn is so good because the words force us to subjugate ourselves and put God first:

To sing that hymn you must forget yourself and focus on God. You can’t read it without being awed by Christ, and how He made us new. It follows that whatever He wants us to do, we’ll do it because of how great He is. We will submit.